In America you can always find a party. In Russia, Party always finds you.
In America you have McDonald’s. In Russia we have McDonald’s too except there it’s a little different.
In America, you have telephone poles. In Russia we have Poles who telephone.
In America your flag pin is red, white and blue. In Russia we have a different flag.
In America you cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren't like you. In Russia we really hate that about you guys.
In America you elect a president using a confusing system of delegates. In Russia we think that’s outdated and sometimes irrespective of the popular vote.
In America you deregulate your airlines only to have them re-regulate themselves into a lesser, more hazardous, more expensive conglomerate. In Russia we’re smarter then that.
In America marrying multiple underage girls and having large families with them all is an illegal act called polygamy. In Russia we have the same thing but we call it "Family Night at Chilis."