Shakespeare

My love has gone to India for a couple of weeks. This saddens me to no end. I can't wait for her to come home. Simona I miss you.

The Autumn of Apu

Apu: Well hello Mr. Homer, what brings you to my store?

Homer: Well Apu the softball team wanted me to talk to you.

Apu: Oh? What about?

Homer: Well, frankly your numbers are falling.

Apu: Nothing to worry about Homer ol’ buddy, it’s just a dry spell. The balls will start dropping and when they do you just watch that batting average of mine soar!

Homer: Well that’s just the thing Apu, you don’t seem to be hitting those hard line drives anymore, not like you used to when you were…you know.

Apu: When I was what?

Homer: You’re gonna make me say it? Fine, when you were taking steroids alright!

Apu: I’m not doing it anymore. I swore I’d only use human growth hormones to heal from my elbow injury quicker. That was a long time ago.

Homer: Well it’s also been a long time since you lead all catchers in the league in every offensive category.

Apu: That’s not fair!

Homer: There’s no reason you can’t have numbers like that again. All you have to do is take the drugs Apu, come on everyone is doing it.

Apu: What about my defense? That’s got to count for something.

Homer: Listen, Nelson is in the wings, ready to take over for you at catcher if you don’t do something drastic here.

Apu: Nelson! I threw out 38% of would be base stealers last year. When has Nelson even come close to that?

Homer: It doesn’t matter man! He’s using HGH and you know what? -he’s hitting the cover off the ball. Homerun after homerun! The guy’s a machine who cares who throws out more runners! Look it’s this simple, get your numbers up or you’re out.

Apu: Please, don’t take this away from me. Playing catcher for the Springfield Isotopes softball team is my life!

Homer: Sorry, it’s out of my hands.

Homer takes a bite from his donut and turns to leave.

Apu: Homer, that donut is $10.25.

Homer: D’oh!

Quinceañera

People having birthdays always reminds me of the passing of time. As my friends get older, my generation gets older and little tidbits of common knowledge slowly pass into oblivion. A thousand years after we all expire, “May the force be with you”, Jackie Robinson and my mom singing “Las mañanitas” on my birthday when I was a kid will be forgotten by both humans and their evil robot overlords. The same fate awaits, “Where’s the Beef”, the San Francisco Giants
and Stand by R.E.M.

Could be worse.