Sweet Like Harmony Made Into Flesh

You know, I was never really what you call a political environmentalist. Not like one of these global worming types. I have this thing called humility before nature, that keeps me from thinking that puny human beings can control the outcome of something so large and so complex as climate of an entire planet. I drive a hybrid but it has nothing to do with carbon emissions, it’s because I hate the idea of my money going to rich oil tycoons. Honestly, oil companies are the worst, but I digress. And don’t get me started on these chumps that think that anything we can do could possibly end all life here on Earth. Trust me, life has made it through a whole lot worse than a little extra carbon in the atmosphere.






But still, as the old saying goes, don’t shit where you eat. And the thing about that is, something is always eating somewhere on this planet, so let’s try not to shit all over it. I recycle when I can and try not to take things like plastic bags and straws when I don’t need them (seriously, I did a beach cleanup once and wound up with a bag full of straws. It was kinda gross). I try and save water and yeah I drive a hybrid. What the hell why not mention that again. Recycling and conservation, I mean it just makes sense on its own level. No one cleans their house because it will keep a polar bear from drowning, they do it because they don’t want to live in filth.

Hums the Word

Humming birds get their names from the fact that they don’t know the words to any songs. That’s mostly true because believe it or not humming birds have absolutely so love for today’s modern pop music. Truth be told they much prefer christian rock. I know what you’re thinking, I love christian rock too with its God is so cool he probably has a tattoo and wears a headband that reads, “Who’s the man?” He smokes too. All cool people do: Marlon Brando, James Dean, Charro.

Speaking of song lyrics, what’s with the Beach Boys? Barbershop about surfing or being true to your school. Hey to each his own.

So back to humming birds, they smoke like two packs a day because they are so cool. And to a humming bird, two packs is like Everest man. I mean it’s a sizable chunk of rock.

It’s rumored that scientists named Bill are looking into studying the humming bird for its amazing ability to be so cool. Scientists named Bill rarely score with chicks and need all the help they can get. Their research has proved unfruitful however and so they are now trying to pick up by stating humming bird facts like that they sleep in onesies.

So these humming birds here are the local model humming birds they have in costa rica for hire. They pose for you for nothing more then sugar water. I felt bad and gave them some kool-aid. Kool-aid is like lobster to a humming bird so they were stoked. We hung out and shot some photos, lit up more then a few cig’s and called it a day. Later, Simona, Sunjuna and I ran into them at the bar. They got into a fight with the bouncer because one of them forgot his ID. Wound up in jail. That’s was a night I don’t think anyone in the entire country will soon forget. You know, because of the humming birds.

A Whale's Tail

The best time to go whale watching is usually in the summer. The whales get tired of their lousy local weather and come to Los Angeles for some fun in the sun. It’s kinda like spring break: the whales cruise around the ocean boulevards getting drunk, picking up on whale chicks (which whale biologists call Marys). As you can see from these pictures, we decided to go whale watching in late July, the late July of 1992 to be precise. Sure enough, thousands of whales came to have a gander at our red and green party boat. The Marys even flashed us their breasts in return for sea beads, those photos were too scandalous for my family spun blog here. But we did decide to feed them.

Now whales typically eat between 4-5 thousand chickens a day, but they will gladly substitute poultry for some pork chops, as long as they’re fresh. We had brought neither, woefully unprepared, luckily the boat sold CornNuts by the barrel and so we fed them that. It turns out whales LOVE CornNuts! Especially the sour cream and onion kind! We fed them for about an hour speaking to them in their native tongue: Portuguese which is close enough to Swahili that Danny could translate. As the sun went down we harpooned a couple of them and ate whale-burgers which surprisingly taste like jelly donuts.

What a day!

Floyd!

He’s dumb he’s scared
He’s thinking impaired
He’s always scratching an itch
He’s clumsy and shy
A really nice guy
Your favorite son of a bitch

He’s sweet and a punk
He fits in your trunk
And needs a punch in the face
He sleeps on your bed
Sheds on your head
To every owner’s disgrace

Floyd-o, Floyd-o
Makes me so annoyed-o
Floyd-o Floyd-o
No one knows he’s gay

Nobody knows he’s gay
He hopes to keep it this way
His secret is that he’s gay
You’ll love him anyway

Floyd-o!
New, from The Pound.

Death Clock

Recently I filled in one of those death clock questionnaires on the internet and it said I would be dying at the ripe young age of 72. That's 2045 for those of you keeping score at home. While 72 is not as good as 82, it's sure a hell of a lot better then 54 so I can't complain. Having said that, a month ago I turned 36, meaning, I’m half way done.

I’m half way done!!!

A midlife crisis seems to me the perfect time to look back and so here are some of the things I’ve done in those 36 years:

• Successfully completed potty training.
• First communion.
• Bench pressed 170 lbs.
• Kissed a girl.
• Learned to walk.
• Graduated high school.
• Worked on several major motion pictures.
• Made a mean peanut butter and jelly sandwich
• Traveled to two different continents, bringing my total to three.
• Had two photos hanging in a gallery.

But what would a reflection upon my life be without stating what I have yet left to accomplish with the second half of what is so far (as I’m sure you’ll agree) my amazing life. What I have planned for the next 36 years:

• Kiss My Girl some more.
• Hang some more photos in a gallery.
• Play some baseball.
• Bench press 170 lbs.
• Make some good ice cream.
• Graduate college.
• Discover life on another planet.
• Create life on another planet.
• Destroy life on another planet.
• Travel to another three continents, not saying which.
• Make some major motion pictures.
• Learn to do the Soulja boy.
• Die.

I have a busy schedule for the next 3.6 decades.

How Now Fat Cow?

Half a world away innocent people struggling for normalcy die by the score while a war wages all around them. Like you and I, they stand in line at the grocery store, struggle to raise their kids, and occasionally watch an episode of Lost, yet they’re surrounded by violence perpetrated by war mongers and fanatics.

Why anyone wages war is open to debate. What is just to some is murder to others but regardless of the why, millions of innocents who are not the extreme in one way or another die. “Civilian Casualties”: 10 million in WWI, 47 Million in WWII, 3-4 million in the Korean War, 2-5.1 million in Vietnam, 2,300-200,000 in the Gulf War, and between 75 and 82 thousand deaths in the Iraq war. No matter the conflict civilian casualties almost always far outweigh the casualties sustained by the people actually fighting the battles.

I’ve been fortunate enough to grow up and live in Los Angeles where I have seen exactly zero effects of any war ever waged. So while innocents die in other countries I take pictures of cows. I am grateful, but it still doesn’t seem right. I won’t state my opinion on whether the war we’re fighting now is right or wrong (it’s wrong by the way) but what I will say is that everyday shmoes like us and them always foot the bill over it. They have faces, they have families, and they should never be forgotten or dismissed.

A small cross section of current civilians trying not to become a casualty:

Ismail Fatah Al-Turk

Mohamed Al Daradji

Mohamed's latest film, Alhaam was filmed under the most extraordinary circumstances in which cast and crew were kidnapped several times by insurgents and Iraqi groups working for the American Military.

Daisy Al-Amir

If you know of any other civilians that have died or been injured in any war please let us know about it.